Part 1 of 2 part series
On one of our many family trips to visit my mother, we took a day trip to the charming gold rush town of Murphys in Calaveras County in the foothills of the Sierras in California. Murphys not only has a quaint downtown area filled with shops, restaurants and wine tasting rooms, but it has many wineries that you can visit and enjoy the different settings each of them has to offer. We decided to picnic at one of the oldest local wineries, located in a bucolic valley. As my husband and I were tasting the wines in the tasting room before we had our picnic, my mother , who did not drink, watched Ryan and his sister. There was a very large table on one side of the room. In fact, it was so large that Ryan, along with his grandmother, could sit on the bottom shelf comfortably and read a book together. In the picture, you can see the two of them sitting close together reading a large picture book. You aren’t able to figure out what the book was, but it’s clear that it was quite interesting. You may also realize that it was a very precious moment, and I’m so glad we were able to capture it.
The picture below perfectly captures the unique and special relationship Ryan had with his grandmother. Although she was on the older side as grandmothers were concerned, she took the effort to make every moment count. As a previous school teacher, my mother was able to spend time helping Ryan with his homework, and his reading and math skills. Many times you would find her on the floor, playing with my children even when it was so very difficult for her to get up from the floor.
My mother did not always understand what was going on with Ryan. I think it was difficult for her to fully grasp his diagnoses and being from an older generation, it was probably befuddling to her. But, that did not keep her from asking questions and being supportive. I recall so many times that she would ask me the same questions about Ryan’s ADHD, or ask me if he’d grow out of it, or what we were doing to help him, or how I was managing.
Ryan’s grandmother experienced first hand the meltdowns, the yelling and the pleading So often, it was horribly embarrassing, but at the same time, I’m grateful that she witnessed them. There’s nothing like really finding out firsthand what raising a child with significant ADHD and other learning differences and the other numerous issues that come with it. My mother always waited in the background, allowing us to manage the situation without jumping in and possibly making things worse. She didn’t yell at Ryan, telling him to stop or try to get him to redirect. She patiently waited, and many times would distract our daughter from the situation. This was one of the most helpful things she could have done.
Afterwards, she would often look at me and say how sorry she was that life could be so difficult. She would ask if there was anything she could do. And she often hugged me and told me she loved me. And even more importantly, she never withheld support or love from Ryan. She would however ask more questions and ask how things could be managed better, but to me, she never questioned my husband’s and my parenting. Who knows, she may have talked to others about the situation, but I never knew it if she did. I’m grateful for this, because to me, she was always in my corner, supporting and never judging. Many times she would even say to me, “I don’t understand all that is going on with Ryan, but I love him.”
My mother’s example is what a grandmother should be. Helpful, kind, loving, questioning without judgment, willing to learn and most of all, willing to be there and not shying away from being there when times are tough. To me she was an example of what I call the grandmother effect – the always calming, loving, accepting, and present being in our lives.
Ryan has been blessed to have had twenty one years with his grandmother before her passing. Like all of my mother’s grandchildren, he is sure he was her favorite. She is m truly missed, and always much more so on Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers and grandmothers. May your day be surrounded by your family and filled with love. For those that we have lost, may their memory be a blessing.
“It is at our mother’s knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.”
– Mark Twain
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