The idea of having your child home after a long year away at college is something that just about every parent looks forward to. Being able to wrap your son or daughter in your arms, hugging them tight and telling them you’ve missed them and love them is a wonderful experience. Often you have a special dinner to celebrate them completing their year and you might even spend a week cooking and baking all of their favorite foods. Of course you’re also feeding them good nutritious meals that they probably have had very little of.
You allow them to have their downtime. They sleep in, they see their friends who live close by, they play video games into the wee hours of the night. Everyone is getting along well. You’re happy they’re home and they’re happy they’re home. It’s quite the honeymoon.
Then the honeymoon ends. You are still the parent. They are still the child. Your expectations of how this summer is going to look vs. the college kid’s expectations of how summer is going to look are very different. Somehow, slipping back into previous roles before leaving for college isn’t working. Sometimes the parent wants to go back to how it was. But almost never does the college student want life to go back to how it was. Most often the now “adult” college kid thinks that “hey, I’ve lived on my own for a year and I got to live my life how I wanted to. I’m not a kid anymore and I want to be treated like an adult. I want to do what I want. I want to make my own rules. I don’t think I should have to live by my parents rules. On the flip side, the parents are thinking, “John is lazy, He just wants to be left alone. He won’t help around the house. He thinks he can come and go as he pleases. Who does he think he is? He’s getting a free ride here. He’s eating all of our food and not lifting a finger to help.”
If you are a parent with a college aged kid, or have had a college aged kid, or been a college kid yourself, you have probably lived this experience. You probably at some point figured things out. At least I hope you did.
I find myself in this situation this summer. Usually at the end of the school year, I post a short update on where Ryan is or where he will be for the summer. This summer, for the first time since he started college, Ryan will be home all summer. He doesn’t have an internship or a job. This is a big challenge for Ryan, his dad and me. My husband and I have had a wonderful year being empty nesters. We have a routine. Our home is peaceful and quiet. I’m not sure who this is going to be harder on – Ryan or us.
Even though Ryan isn’t working or having an internship, he does have a lot of things to accomplish. He’s taking summer classes, working on getting into better physical shape, going to many doctors appointments and taking care of things that have been building up, and not being able to take care of during the school year like re-evaluating his ADHD meds, as well as reconnecting with good friends that he hasn’t seen in quite a while. I’m calling it the “Summer of Ryan”. This summer will be a journey for Ryan to learn how to better take care of himself and learn the tools and what it takes to take care of himself not just in a college setting but as an adult.
It can easily take someone with ADHD much longer to mature and figure out what life is all about. It can be extraordinarily overwhelming to figure out how to take care of themselves in all aspects of life. Hey- it’s hard enough for neurotypicals. So often, I still need to take a step back and remind myself that just because Ryan is officially an adult chronologically speaking, that he isn’t an adult in all aspects of his life and that this is OK. Patience, understanding and a willingness to help when needed are what I need to help Ryan navigate his life and this summer especially. It wasn’t the summer that I expected, wanted or asked for, but in the long run for Ryan and his family, it’s an important one.
And for those of you who find yourself in a similar situation? Take a breath, communicate, and enjoy the time you have with your young adult. And —Good Luck!
P.S. I am on vacation and will have a new post on August 11.
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