How often do we yell at our partner or spouse over some perceived grievance, or task that has been done “wrong”, or them not remembering a date or a bill to pay, or your birthday, or your kid’s birthday. Or we yell at them for having a messy side of the bedroom, or a messy closet, or a messy desk. Or we ask them why they did or didn’t do something? Or we get frustrated and exasperated at them for having to continually go back into the house when we’re already in the car because they’ve forgotten their hat/water/purse/sunglasses/book, again. The “Why can’t you remember anything?” “ Why can’t you finish painting the bookshelf?”, “Why did you forget the water was boiling, and now there’s no water left in the pot, do you WANT to burn the house down?” , “When are you going to finish putting away the laundry, half of it is still in the basket?” “For goodness sake, stop watching those videos, we’ve got a million things to do.” “Did you mean to leave half the dishes in the sink?” I could go on and on and on, couldn’t I?
What happened between loving all of our partner’s quirks and funny habits at the beginning of our relationships, to the “I just can’t stand it anymore, they just don’t care, I have to do everything around here, and I need them to change. What is wrong with them?”
If you are in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, the above can quite literally be your life. And if you are the one with ADHD, then you know what it’s like to be berated, yelled at and quite frankly, scolded as if you are a child. Painful for both sides? Absolutely.
Let’s first take the side of the neurotypical spouse. Maybe one of the things that drew you to your neurodivergent partner was their zest for life, their humor, their devil may care outlook on life. Their bit of messiness was okay with you. It didn’t seem to get in the way of their life. Their flight of ideas and their passion about certain topics excited you. But somewhere along the way, they seemed to be a bit spacey, or a bit not present, and their messiness or inability to complete tasks or remember things started to get in the way of your everyday life and you’ve grown tired. You’ve been in their “mess” now for many years, own a house, maybe even have children. Maybe even those children are now grown and out of the house, and it has gotten to a point that you really can’t deal with it anymore. You bring it to their attention in a way that you think will maybe startle them into realizing they have a “problem”. Initially you’re kind, but then find that that doesn’t work, so you start raising your voice thinking that maybe they’ll hear you better, or that will get their attention and then they’ll do something about it. Your partner may just stare at you or yell back. And you ask yourself and/or them -”why can’t you get your act together?” You know they have ADHD, but sometimes you think they just use this as an excuse.
Now for the ADHDer. You know you have these issues. You’re faced with them almost every moment of every day. You are frustrated, because you want to be able to be focused, to complete tasks, to be present, to finish projects in a timely fashion, and yet you just can’t do it. You don’t want to use your ADHD as an excuse, you want to use it as a reason, and more than anything you want to find the help and tools you need to be a better partner. The yelling you receive just makes you feel shame, and it does nothing to move you to “be better”. You know your brain works differently and you struggle with executive functioning, but you just don’t know what to do or where to go. You may quite possibly be very successful at work, but your personal life is just a bit of a mess. You want help, but just don’t know where to start. You’re overwhelmed and tired too.
What to do? The first thing? Stop yelling. (I know, not so easy.) But what does yelling actually accomplish? We are adults after all and NO ONE likes to be yelled at. For the person who is doing the yelling, I know you’re frustrated, but all that does is bring the ADHDers “failings” to the forefront and does nothing to help the ADHDer become motivated to become a more responsive person. Maybe ask instead what you can do to support your lovable ADHDer. For goodness sake, hit the pause button before you say something that may injure your spouse more.
For the ADHDer, who is being yelled at, maybe start by asking your partner to help you. Ask them to not yell at you, because that makes you feel demeaned and shameful. Explain to them that your brain works differently and you’re trying to figure out how it works differently and that you’re trying to find tools that will help you become more successful in the areas that you struggle with. And you can also use the power of the pause. Take a breath before you respond when you’re being yelled at. And of course, Communicate, communicate, communicate.
I know that this advice seems simple, it is. And that this will not “solve” the situation, but it’s really a great place to start. From here you can springboard into action and find other tools that will help. Work together to help each other. Be patient and compassionate. Find a coach that can work with you as a couple and as individuals to learn more about how the ADHDer brain works and discover tools that will work for you.
I understand personally how ADHD can impact a marriage. It takes extra work, patience, love and understanding to make it successful. And in the end, that’s what we all want.
“There isn’t time -so brief is life-for bickerings, apologies, hearburnings, callings to account, There is only time for loving – and but an instant so to speak for that.
1886 Letter-Mark Twain
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