I’m not going to tell my parents/teacher/coach that I didn’t finish the classwork
I’m going to ignore those emails and say I never got them
I’m going to watch this movie and not think about doing the things I said I was going to
do.
I lied to my friends about where I was going. It was just easier than telling the truth.
I lie because I’m embarassed.
I lied about not passing my class
I lied to my friends about…….
I told lies about why I couldn’t do…….
I told lies to my parents and friends about ……..
I get upset when I get caught lying.
Sometimes when I tell stories, I stretch the truth or embellish descriptions so that I sound more cool, more interesting or smarter.
I feel ashamed for not doing XYZ, so I’ll just lie about it, so that others won’t think I’m a loser, or an idiot, or ……….
I just want to feel good about myself. But if others see the real me, then they won’t accept me for who I am, or want to be my friend, or love me, so I lie.
I get upset when I’m called out. I may lash out at you, because I’m so ashamed. How dare you call me out.
I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to admit that I’m not being honest. Because if I do, then my self protection crumbles. And then what do I have? I’m afraid you’re going to walk away and not want to have anything to do with me. You will be upset and disappointed with me. I have let you down, and I don’t think I can face that.
I can’t stand conflict. So I avoid it by lying. It’s easier. At least in the short run.
I have ADHD, and I lie because I need to protect and preserve myself. It’s not a character flaw.
But I don’t want to be this person who isn’t honest, who lies, who covers up things that I know will eventually come out, because they always do. It makes me ashamed.
Please help me.
Many of us have experienced the above thoughts, feelings and actions. They make us ashamed and we question ourselves why we do it. For some of us it’s an occasional thing. For others, especially those with ADHD, it can often be used as a coping strategy. Lying sometimes becomes easier than telling a long convoluted explanation about something. An ADHDer may hide behind their lies, because admitting that their ADHD is preventing them from being neurotypical is shameful for them. They feel less than and so use dishonesty to help them feel more “normal”.
Relationships can be damaged, some beyond repair when dishonesty becomes a prominent feature in that relationship. Relationships are built on trust. How can we have a successful and healthy relationship with someone who has ADHD and often lies?
There’s two sides to the relationship when it comes to lying. The liar and the one(s) being lied to. Promoting honesty and being open with the ADHDer who lies is important. Talking to them calmly and supportively is important. They need to know that you will love and accept them no matter what, but that lying is not acceptable, but at the same time acknowledging the difficulty they have sometimes in telling the truth. Ask them how you can support them. Ask them what would help them overcome their behavior. Ask them how they feel when they lie and when they are found out so that you can understand why the lying has occurred.
On the flip side, if you are the liar, you may need help from a therapist to work out how to become a more honest person, especially when the lying has caused irreparable damage such as not being able to keep jobs and losing meaningful personal relationships, whether from family or friends. Therapy may require that other family members or significant others join in on sessions to come up with a plan together to help address dishonesty.
Coaching can also help in conjunction with therapy whether you are the one who struggles with honesty or if you love someone who struggles with honesty. Finding support systems and tools to help maintain trust and honesty can be a worthwhile endeavor.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”
-Mark Twain
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