PARENT
Parenthood isn’t for the weak. Why would anyone want to become one? To pass on our genes to another living being? To love something other than ourselves? Because we love children? Because that’s what is expected of us? Because it’s the thing we humans do?
It’s the hardest, most demanding job in the world. And we don’t know what we’re going to get when we have them. But once we do have them, we love them. They love us. And it’s worth it, even when there are days when we just don’t see how we can get through another day.
Since I’ve had my children, I have felt every emotion. Some days in the span of just a few hours, I have felt both elation and complete devastation. There are some experiences I wish I had never had to deal with, and then there are the days and times I wish the wonderful experiences would last forever. And then there have been times when I just wish I could hire someone to take over for me, so that I could run away. Don’t worry, those times are always fleeting. But thinking about those feelings have prompted me to write the following job opening.
Job Title: Parent
Job Description: 24/7 care of a newborn, toddler, grade schooler, middle schooler, high schooler, and college student. Care of adult children is very probable as well, lasting until your last breath.
Job responsibilities: Candidates should be:
Available 24/7 to the wants and needs of your child for their lifetime, or your lifetime, whichever ends first. (Yes, maybe a morbid thought, but accurate) This includes, but not limited to, answering phone calls at all hours of the day and night, sending money, asking questions that your child will not want to answer, telling your child what to do, being worried sick, and not sleeping If your child is neurodivergent, plan on working extra time. If you think that you can’t work more than 24 hours a day/7 days a week? It is possible. You’ll see. This is just a very short list of responsibilities. Space here is limited and would require a 3000 page document. Nothing is off the table of responsibilities. Prepare questions for your interview. Don’t worry, there won’t be an interview.
Willing to work hard. Really hard. Harder than you ever thought possible.
Willing to work without sleep.
Be willing to give up their previous life,
Be able to allow themselves to fail, to cry, to ask for help, and when that help arrives, to run away screaming for a few hours.
Be able to think quickly, change plans frequently and go hungry.
Qualifications: No degree required. No experience needed. On the job training. Having a great sense of humor. Candidate needs to also have a good support system. (The “it takes a village” is true). Candidate should be able to learn how to deal with high anxiety and high pressure.
Vacation/Sick Time: Good luck. Although it should be a requirement that vacation and sick time be taken. Work hard at finding someone to cover for you so you can take vacation and sick time. Management will not be able to help you figure this out or take care of finding someone to cover for you.
Salary: Very funny. There is no financial compensation. See perks below.
Perks: Endless/boundless love. High satisfaction. Every day, especially at the end of the day when you crawl into bed,you will be able to pat yourself on the back and say, “Well, at least my child survived today!” That’s great success! And if they reach adulthood? Extra bonus points!!!
Inquiry: Only those with patience and love to give need apply. Please think long and hard before applying As stated above, there will not be an interview process and you will be thrown into the job without much preparation.
Advancement: No advancement. You will “just” be a parent for the rest of your life. And if you’re extra lucky, you can become the parent of more children!
Support: Sorry, but there is no technical support phone number to call when you need help or have questions. But, there is hope. For illnesses, call the doctor. For other concerns, call your friends, neighbors, grandparents, siblings, etc. They will for sure offer advice even if you don’t want it. That advice may be helpful or it might not be. Make sure you thank them – profusely, especially if they happen to be your own parents. If the job is really getting to you and your own mental health, call a mental health professional. Please. ASAP.
Education possibilities: The job offers continuous continuing education hours. You will have earned your PhD, if only in your mind by the time your child is an adult. Maybe even multiple PhD’s! Just think of those possibilities! And if your child is blessed with being neurodivergent, the possibilities are greatly increased! Yay for you!
How to apply: Well, we won’t go into that. That requires a lesson in biology which you need to make sure you understand and can read about in a book, or ask a friend…..
Just think long and hard about applying.
“Familiarity breeds contempt- and children.”
Mark Twain
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