I posted the following last year. As I sat down to write another holiday posting, I reread this post and decided that I liked it so much that I wanted to post it again. The memories and feelings are as ever present today and I can’t think of anything else to say that is new. So if you start to read this and it rings a bell, (haha) maybe you can read it with a lens that is a year older and wiser and gain a different perspective on your own holiday memories.
This will also be the last post of the year as I will be taking a week off to spend time with my family and dear friends.
When Ryan was growing up, our family holiday season began the weekend before Thanksgiving, when we took an annual trip to Disneyland with our good friends. We’d be at Disneyland for three days, come home for a night or two and then drive to wherever my mother lived for Thanksgiving. Once Thanksgiving was over, then the festivities for Hanukkah would begin (depending on when it landed on the calendar), latke fests, eight nights of gifts, candle lighting, and extended family bashes. And then we had all of the friends and office holiday parties, then Christmas – again traveling to wherever my mother lived at the time. And finally New Year’s when we could possibly have another trip somewhere. We’d arrive home the day after New Year’s day to “rest”, just for our kids to go back to school in a day or two, and for us, the parents, to go back to work.
It has always been one of the most exciting times for our family, this month of crazy. But it hasn’t always been easy. Well, actually it’s never been easy. Early on, it was more physically exhausting, than mentally exhausting, but then Ryan became a walking and talking being and his ADHD became apparent.
I’ve always refused to let Ryan’s differences stop our family from participating in events. Even though there were times that I would truly dread them. The extraordinary plans we would have to make in figuring out the many “if this happens, then we do this _______ (fill in the blank) scenarios, trying to make sure that my husband and I would be on the same page, (didn’t always happen), the working on trying not to lose it when my children would lose it, (again, didn’t always happen), the navigating all of the emotional ups and downs, trying to be a peacekeeper, trying to keep everyone as “happy” as possible, and praying that there would be no meltdowns. (Well, there were always meltdowns of one sort or another.)
Even if you have neurotypical kids, you may see yourself in the above paragraph. Having a schedule like that can send anyone over the edge, but if you have a child like Ryan, that just adds one more layer to the madness of “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” You may ask, why did you do all of those things if they were so exhausting? Well, I agree, it may seem crazy, but we refused to let the differences in our family prevent us from having a full life.
One of the ways that we learned how to deal with it would be to find the necessary downtime in the middle of it all. Rest time became a part of every day, even on the busiest ones. Ryan needed physical and mental breaks. His brain needed down time from all of the stimuli being thrown at him which also exhausted him physically. We discovered that if he didn’t have downtime, then when he was truly exhausted, his behavior followed suit and meltdowns would ensue. Sometimes that meant cutting visits or activities short. If we were at parties, or dinners and we would start to see warning signs, then it was time for us to leave. As Ryan grew older, we started to plan ahead and decide how long we were going to stay. Sometimes that meant leaving significantly earlier than other family members or guests, but it was better than the alternative and making a scene.
Winter break from school also would help us have downtime from all of the celebrations, and in between travel. But, we would still set up a schedule for Ryan so that he knew what we would be doing every day, even if it was a stay at home day. Plenty of downtime interspersed with an activity or two, like going to the park, baking cookies, or seeing a movie was also scheduled. Even bedtime was scheduled, as sleep was really important.
And a word on travel. We started car travel with our children when they were both infants, which I highly recommend. Our trips during the holidays (beginning with Thanksgiving) could be 2-3 separate 6 hour one way trips. Ryan surprisingly became a very good traveler. Planning ahead for him with activities that would keep him occupied became very important. Games, books, family discussions, and then when he was older, hand held computer games. Of course, I’m not saying it was perfect, far from it! We had some major meltdowns in the car, maybe a bit more than neurotypical kids. But for us, it became our normal. We just learned how to deal with them. Not always effectively and some memories are pretty painful, but they never prevented us from trying again.
I’m sure our family, friends and people we never knew, would look at us at times and shake their heads. Would I change the way we did some things? Sure. But would I change our past holiday tradition? No way. Because you know what? Many of the bad events/memories are slowly fading, or at least we can laugh at some of them, and all of the best ones grow brighter. Which helps all of us to look forward to the following year’s holidays, and new memories.
May this holiday season be filled with love, giving and wonderful memories!
Happy Hanukkah,
Merry Christmas,
And Happy New Year!
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