Me: “Ryan, ________________(fill in the blank. ie. What did you learn in your class today? What happened in your meeting today? What was the movie about? etc.)
Ryan: “Well, it’s complicated.”
Me: “I don’t think it’s complicated. Just try to tell me.”
Ryan: “No, I really can’t. It’s too complicated.”
Me: “What do you mean it’s too complicated?”
Ryan: “Like I said, it’s too complicated. I can’t explain it.”
The above conversation started to become a common response when Ryan started to feel brain overwhelm. When there is/was too much verbal and auditory information to process, he was/is not always able to answer the question. Often, the above conversation would/does happen after school, a meeting or later in the evening when we were having dinner and the dinner table discussion would be about how our days went.
I noticed that Ryan started using this phrase in high school when things became more layered and nuanced. I know that Ryan’s frustration increased in middle and high school, what with becoming a teenager and the extra angst that all entails. Part of this was also possibly him not wanting to share everything with his parents, and using the phrase “It’s complicated” was a way to get out of discussing things that he just didn’t want to share. But to add to the usual teenage issues, is Ryan’s ADHD, and the verbal and auditory processing issues that he so wonderfully possesses. And the more complex and nuanced a situation is, the more difficult it is for Ryan to process that situation. It can take him a great deal of time to think things through. Even up to a couple of days. You can probably imagine how difficult this must be for him. Especially when someone is really pushing him to talk about or explain something.
I often forget how to manage these situations. I often ask Ryan questions and get frustrated when he responds with the “It’s complicated” statement. To help Ryan, my response should always be one of support. Telling him, that’s fine. Asking him if we can talk about it later once he’s had time to process the question and provide an answer. Giving him space so that he understands that I don’t need an answer right away. And maybe even offering to help him unravel the answer by asking easier open ended questions or by being more specific in my questions. Sometimes even a light hearted question like, “how’d it go?” can send him in a spin. I need to often tread lightly and softly and not come on like a freight train. You know how we parents are. We want to know everything, and we want to know it now. But you know what? I can get like this too. Especially when I’m tired and just don’t have the brain energy or the desire to talk about something in detail with someone else. I need to remember that as well, so when I hear the, “It’s complicated” from Ryan, I don’t become quite so exasperated.
For Ryan’s part we have encouraged him to take a breath and be patient with his dad and me. Like I said above, we often forget. You’d think after all this time, we’d remember. But we don’t. I’m writing this because it’s something that I experienced recently. Sometimes writing about it solidifies the actions that I still need to take. The writing becomes a reminder for me to be patient, to take a breath and step back a bit and remember who Ryan is – a wonderful human being who has a brain like no other.
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