“I just want to be happy”
“I’m not happy”
“I just want my kids to be happy”
“It doesn’t make me happy, so I’m not going to do it”
“Happiness is one of my values, so I’m going to pursue it at all costs”
“When I get married, then I’ll be happy”
“When I have a child, then I’ll be happy”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness…….” Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776
Pursuing happiness has been ingrained in American society since our declaration of independence from England. But we have gone beyond that pursuing it to demanding and expecting it. Many feel that it is their right to BE happy, that nothing and noone should get in their way of happiness. Many believe that if they aren’t happy, then they have done something wrong, or someone in their life has done them wrong.
How did we jump from the pursuit of happiness to the expectation that we need to be happy and should be happy all the time? I could go on and on about this disturbing trend, but I want to focus on how this way of thinking can be extremely detrimental to those who are neurodivergent.
If you have ADHD, you are already behind the eight ball when it comes to being happy. You have to work extra hard to accomplish things that may come easy for a neurotypical person. You lack dopamine, so you need to find ways to increase it whether through medications and/or activities and tools that will help you increase that dopamine. Frustration and even anger may take over your thoughts and you may ask yourself over and over again, “why aren’t I happy, and why can’t I be like everyone else, and why did this happen to me?”
It’s a long road to travel when you have ADHD. Those around you may have the same expectations for you as they do the neurotypical. Heck, maybe you do too. But are you really being fair to yourself? Being happy all the time is not possible, even for those who seem to be happy all the time. And really, should being happy be what drives us? Let me ask you this – if you have a goal to accomplish, will you be happy all the time while you’re working towards that accomplishment? Won’t the road be difficult at times? Won’t there be tasks and projects and classes that you might hate along the way to get to that goal? Will you fail some classes and have to retake them? Quite possibly.. Will you get back up and try again because your end goal is important? Or will you stop because you just aren’t happy?
Having ADHD, you may find some of these challenges even harder. You may not be happy, in fact you probably won’t be happy many times along the way. But you are pursuing happiness. You are pursuing your end game. You are pursuing something that you are passionate about. You are pursuing your goals.
To expect happiness all along the way is unhealthy. Because you will never be happy all the time. Possibly, though, what you can be, is hopeful, contented, grateful.
Attempt to not expect to be happy all the time. It’s an unreasonable goal. Aim instead to pursue happiness, find joy, and find contentment.
Be grateful that you are here, breathing and being alive every day
Celebrate your small accomplishments every day.
Do something you love to do every day.
Do something for someone else every day- even if it’s just opening a door.
Show yourself grace every day
Accept your unique brain and get to know it
Be content with what you have and who you are
Work for what you want.
Ask for what you want, but don’t demand it
Our forefathers got it right. In the Declaration of Independence they didn’t demand happiness, nor did they say that happiness was an unalienable right. They said that pursuing it was.
“………for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.”
Philippians 4:11
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