Have you ever tried to guilt someone into doing something? Or tried to make someone feel guilty about something they did so that they will not do it again? Or hinted to the same person that they should feel bad about not doing something right? Chances are you have, especially if you are a parent and the person you’re trying to guilt is your child. It might work. It might not. How often do we stop and ask ourselves, why do we do this? Is it because our parents did it to us? Is it a power play? Is it just another parenting tool that we all think is alright for us to use just because we are parents? We want our kids to do the right thing. Often we want them to do things that will make us happy. Is it about us as parents or about them?
But does guilt actually teach anything? When we ask ourselves the question – “Why doesn’t my kid change when I’ve told them that if they don’t do XYZ , then they won’t be able to do XYZ, or they will be seen as a loser, or they won’t have friends or……
What if your child has ADHD and you try to guilt them into doing their homework, or cleaning their room, or telling you the truth, or to stop being so impulsive. Asking them why they did something and telling them they are wrong or bad or dumb or lazy. And often after we say these things we tell ourselves that maybe if our kid felt guilty or felt bad about what they did, they will just stop doing those things and change for the better .
Good luck with that. It won’t work. Yes, the child may feel guilt, and they most definitely will feel bad. But using guilt to insure change won’t EVER work. It will just cause more angst in your kid, more feelings of unworthiness, more feelings of the “why am I like this?” It just won’t have the effect you as a parent want, and in the long run cause more problems for the ADHDer. The ADHDer will not be able to use that guilt you’re piling on to get them to change. Only feelings of fear, unworthiness and helplessness will increase with the inability to make any kind of change.
We as parents of an ADHDer often are at a loss as to help our children make positive, lasting changes. But one of the most important things we need to learn is to not use guilt as a tool for change. Using positive, encouraging words is a good place to start. Giving our children praise when they do something well can foster a feeling of accomplishment. Offering our help with tasks that we know our child “should” be able to do on their own, but know that they struggle with it can show our kid how much we love and accept them for who they are.
If they are old enough, we can ask them how we can best support them in projects they are working on or how we can support them in their personal relationships with others. Letting them know we love them and want the best for them can give them a sense of security and trust. Instead of saying “I can’t believe you did that”, say “How can we help you figure out how do things differently next time?” Find something positive to say first.
I’ve been talking about using guilt with our ADHD children, but what about our ADHD significant others? Newsflash – Guilt doesn’t work here either. I don’t think I need to go into great detail here. Just imagine an ADHDer who is often verbally yelled at by their neurotypical partner? How does that make the ADHDer feel? Verbally abused and beaten down, They know they struggle, They know they need to change. They know they need help. They can’t change when all that they get is: “You don’t do anything right. You don’t care. If you loved me you would change.” There’s two sides here. The ADHDer will hopefully be able to step up and be a self advocate and tell their partner that they need help, and they need to be given patience and love and support in finding ways to change. The neurotypical should show love, patience and understanding and be willing to help their partner find ways to be more successful.
Personal experience has told me that trying to use guilt doesn’t work, and I continue to be a work in progress. I wonder if it’s something that is ingrained in me to believe that being a mother automatically gives me the right to use guilt to get my kids to do what I want them to. Jokes abound about Jewish mother guilt, Catholic mother guilt, Italian mother guilt. I think it’s just regular mother guilt. Although come to think of it, my mother wasn’t in this camp. I don’t know why and how she kept it at bay. Unless she was a true master of guilt and I never knew she was using it. Maybe I should study my past and how my mother got me to do things. No. Best to stay away from that. I have an ADHDer. No matter how sneaky I might be, guilt will not work on Ryan. I need to continue to work on that and use the power of the pause and think about what I am going to say before I say it.
In the end, most of us parents I believe commonly use guilt tactics without even realizing it. Take a moment and think on this and ask yourself if you try to use guilt as a way to get someone in your life to do something or to change. . And then think about what positive tools you can use instead.
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