Most of us, whether we are young or old, do not like being told what to do. As little children we were constantly told what to do. As parents we told our young children what to do. And as parents we often still try to tell our grown children what to do. At work, our bosses tell us what to do, or we as bosses tell our employees what to do. Our government tells us what to do. Our therapists, teachers, religious leaders, and anyone else in authority, tells us what to do. It’s a wonder then, that some of us ever learn how to think on our own or learn critical thinking skills to be able to make wise, and informed decisions.
For neurotypicals, it should be easier to learn how to think critically, and to know and understand and to put into context those things that we are being told what to do. As we grow up and mature, we are left alone to make decisions on our own, and to figure out the pros and cons of our actions. We learn to live with our decisions and their consequences. And often, we get to move past being told what to do on a daily and/or constant basis. (Except for the parents that we still have who feel it is their right to continue to tell us what to do.) But what about the neurodivergent?
It is common that someone with ADHD doesn’t like being told what to do. As a younger person with ADHD, it is more often necessary to tell them what to do as they’re inability to make clear and quick decisions is lacking. Impulsivity is constantly a challenge. Slow verbal and auditory processing may prevent the person from making quick decisions as well. . Vigilance from parents and teachers is necessary to watch and help these children make decisions. As the ADHDer matures, sometimes the adults in their lives continue to make decisions for them and continue to tell them what to do. This action can backfire, especially when the ADHDer becomes a teenager, and the lack of executive functioning becomes more apparent.
Ryan no longer likes being told what to do. As his parent, I am reminded of this often. He will call and tell me about something that he needs to make a decision on. Sometimes I know what he needs to do. Well – most of the time I know what he needs to do. But, I have to work really hard at refraining myself. Sometimes, I will tell him what to do. And he says of course “Don’t tell me what to do!” If I’m in my right frame of mind and take a pause and think about that, I’ll apologize and then respond with OK, what do you think you should do? Other times when I don’t stop and think, I say, “Fine, do what you want!” I’ve learned this is never the right thing to say. Because of course, then there’s the, “Mom! I need your help!”
For Ryan, taking the open ended question approach works best. Asking him, what he thinks he should do. Asking him if he’s thought of the pros and cons of a decision. Asking him why he thinks one decision is better than another. Asking him how long he needs to make a decision so that he can process the decision in his own time. Allowing him the time to think through everything before he actually takes the step in making the final decision helps him work on his critical thinking. It’s amazing to me, when given the opportunity, all of the different choices he comes up with.
Conversations with other adult ADHDers surrounding this subject have been interesting. I have yet to meet an ADHDer who doesn’t struggle with being told what to do. All of my ADHD friends and acquaintances find this annoying to them, but at the same time like Ryan they often need guidance in making choices and coming to the best decisions they can make. Asking those open ended questions, helps them figure out those decisions themselves. It helps them to use their strengths and their own critical thinking skills. It helps them to get around those difficult and challenging executive functioning issues. It helps them find solutions that work best for them. And once those decisions are made by them, it makes them feel successful.
I’ve seen how Ryan gets excited when he is able to make decisions on his own. He is proud of himself. And I am proud of him too. And I am proud of myself when I don’t just jump in and tell him what to do.
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